Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)

Since the newest incarnation of this series was god awful, I decided to go back to a simpler time. The first attempt at bringing this series to the big screen with "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" from 1990. The synopsis of this movie is simple enough. Four turtles are covered in radioactive waste and become humanoid, then are taught ninjutsu by a rat who adopts them. A reporter named April O Neil (Judith Hoag) is attacked by a gang of ninja thugs called the foot clan, then is brought to the sewers by the turtles to recover. The foot clan is comprised of a bunch of runaway youths commanded by a powerful ninjustsu master The Shredder (James Saito man in the suit, David McCharen the voice). The turtles are forced into combat when Shredder goes on the offensive and takes their master.

Call me a bit too nostalgic but I love this movie. It still holds up today regardless of that overwhelming 1990 feel of the film. It obviously wasn't a perfect movie, but that is the great part of this series it doesn't have to be perfect for people to like it and for it to hit home with all generations. The story line is simple but effective, the action was well choreographed, the suits (while being obviously suits) were well designed by Jim Henson, the jokes were funny without having to go too far in either direction, and the acting was actually good. Everything the new movie basically isn't. Yes, this movie had it's share of flaws. It is time-stamped with hairstyles and fashions that will not register with some of today's kids or make adults feel a cringe of embarrassment, the story with the young kid running away from his father felt out of place, and the moments of slap stick seemed like cheap ploys. Despite all of that I still love it because (much like another recent movie) you are having too much fun with the film to notice until much later. Plus, Casey Jones is still my favorite character from this series.

The story line here is the basic set up of four weird, powerful teenagers are forced into combat by a much older, more powerful man in order to save their father/master. It is disposable, but simple enough (for it's time) to register with audiences and not make us hate it. This is a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, I am not looking for new and thought provoking, I am looking for something basic that makes sense (looking at you new movie). Since my biggest problem with the new movie was the story line that copied more popular movies, and bored us to tears, while still not making a whole lot of sense this one wins out. I like the back story of the turtles being something basic that I could get behind. I like the relationship with April O' Neil not being some cross species turn on. I like that they got the personalities right and even though Raphael took most of the screen time, the other turtles still didn't feel like set pieces. This story just worked, it didn't do anything new but it definitely didn't do anything wrong.

The fight scenes in this were impressive for people wearing (what seems like) heavy suits. You can see that the people in them might actually know a thing or two about martial arts. The final battle scene had just the right amount of drama, combined with good "final battle music" for me to call it a classic among final battle scenes. You get (or have already been) emotionally invested enough in the characters to really root for them and hope everything works out.

The acting in this may have an air of cheesy camp, but it was still good enough. There wasn't any over acting to make our eyes roll, there wasn't deliberately bad acting to make this too campy. It was just fair enough. We haven't really heard from any of the actors since this movie was released but I think that is a shame (except a very young Sam Rockwell, he's definitely still around). Judith Hoag was just the right amount of April O Neil, Elias Koateas is just the right amount of Casey Jones, everyone just seems to fit.

The biggest thing you have to remember when watching this movie is that it was made in 1990. The music is going to be old (but good), the hairstyles/fashions are going to be wacky (still bad), the production quality is going to look a little more shitty, and there is no CGI (which helps it escape it's time bubble a bit). With all of this in mind you are still going to have fun introducing a movie like this to your kids, and re-watching it yourself. It will wash the bad taste of this past weekend's disaster out of your mind and help you brace for the sequel.

Final Verdict: 4 out of 5 The best this series has given us, and still fun to watch. The time stamp on this movie doesn't stop it from being good, and it reminds us that we could have seen a good movie from the people in charge of the new movie (ya know, if the people in charge were different). 

Howard the Duck (1986)

An advertising consultant named Howard (Chip Zien is the voice, Ed Gale is the man in the suit) is pulled from his home planet of Duckworld, a world inhabited by aliens that evolved from ducks instead of apes. While trying to get his bearings he meets a young woman in trouble and rescues her from being attacked by thugs. The woman's name is Beverly (Lea Thompson), who is stuck in a struggling all female band called the Cherry Bombs. She tries to help the alien find his way back home by calling her friend Phil (Tim Robbins...yeah he was in this) who invited his colleague Dr. Jenning (Jeffrey Jones) to explain the situation and rectify it. As they attempt to make second contact with the fowl planet (yeah, a bird pun is something you will see a lot of in this) they invite another alien in. Something far worse than they could have imagined. It is up to Howard to save this new world from certain destruction, while still trying to get back home.

Yeah, this movie is known for being horrible, but due to a new movie that came out I thought this review fit for the day. I know a lot of people would argue that a movie like this would fit well in the "So bad, it is good" crowd; but, since I am a member of that crowd I can't agree. This movie is just straight up bad. I never thought I would see so many bird/duck named things in my life. When they replace boy/girl/man/woman with duck it makes since and turns out to be cute, like when he is reading an issue of "Playduck" for instance. When they just add duck to random things it is irritating, like why is his planet called "Duckworld?" Did the scientists on that planet lack creativity? That isn't the really baffling thing here though. The really weird thing is that this movie got away with a PG rating. By today's standards if you show a naked duck in a bathroom with what are supposed to be humanoid breasts they would slap at least a PG13 on you. I guess it was a different time or whatever, but still their are some very raunchy bits in this movie. The story line here is basically a working class version of "ET," with a little bit of accidental hero thrown in. Nothing special, had a possibility to be great but squandered it on.... well everything in this movie.

This movie has (very obviously) not aged well. There are some movies you can look past that with like "Jurassic Park" or "Back to the Future," but since this movie was bad to begin with it is hard to take it seriously. If you were born in my generation or later you would wonder if this was a straight to home video release (or what the people of my era and earlier called a "V" "H" "S"). Nope this movie had a full theatrical release and, allegedly had some sort of budget (supposedly 35 million was put towards this garbage). When released this movie was considered to be the largest black mark on George Lucas' career. The director, Willard Huyck hasn't found work since this movie saw the light of day. It is almost like they didn't watch this movie before they released it, and just thought that the comic book name attached would drive all the sales....weird.

The real tragedy here was the acting... I mean the middle school rendition of what acting would probably look like when the students grew up one day. Does anyone remember Lea Thompson? She was big back in the mid 80's early 90's, and her most notable work was the "Back to the Future" franchise. I find it interesting to think about what would have possessed her to do something like this. She had a bright career ahead of her (like Molly Ringwald), and in between major blockbusters she does things like this, "Dennis the Menace," and "The Beverly Hillbillies" movie. Just like in this movie, she should fire her agent. After that I saw Tim Robbins was in this hell as well. I guess he and Jeffrey Jones were the only people attached to this to get out with a career. Which is a surprise given their performances. In case anyone was wondering Jeffrey Jones was the principal in "Ferris Bueller's Day Off," he had some more appearances in big movies but kind of faded away.

The real thing that killed this movie for me wasn't that it was based off an interesting/kind of funny comic book, it was the eighties. The eighties smeared it's residue all over this movie, making it not only bad for it's time but bad for all times to follow. I know this is the same "not aging well" argument, but I just can't stand a movie where every single bad decision of that decade is captured in film. The music was trying to be "The Runaways" but failed, horribly and was still the center piece of the film (besides the duck). The hairstyles, the fashion, the technology. I can take a movie with bad graphics being allowed to see the light of day, they worked with what they had; but, this movie is a big time stamp from the eighties. The movie the eighties wished never happened, but it did.

Final Verdict: 1 out of 5 There was nothing really serviceable in this movie, I couldn't laugh at the movie for being so horrible, I couldn't enjoy the movie for being good. This was just bad, but if you want to see what happened to some people's careers or George Lucas' biggest embarrassment, go ahead and check it out.



*Spoiler warning: for a movie that is currently playing*
Well I guess it isn't hard to realize what this spoiler warning is for. "Guardians of the Galaxy" had a gag at the end of the movie this time, instead of keeping us on the line for future projects. Instead of showing more Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch, or giving some blueprints to Ultron they showed a CGI Howard the Duck talking to The Collector. This was a gag by Marvel, and I am almost positive they have no plans to release another movie of Howard the Duck (probably since there are still people alive that remember this garbage). I thought that you all should see Hollywood's first attempt at doing the character, and I thought this was the most relevant old movie to review. There is your reasoning as to why I reviewed "Howard the Duck."